The material presented does not necessarily represent the views of all members of The Infection and we do warn you that this work is meant to be satirical in nature. If you need a definition of the word ‘satire‘ then you can click on the word we’ve conveniently hyper linked for you…that or you can read the Poison Apple definition for idiots everywhere.
Satire (as defined by Poison): Half of this is bullshit. It’s up to you to decide what’s bull and what’s not bull. The author (s) are not liable for anything that may or may not happen to you if you choose to listen to this as matter of fact.
With that being said, I’ll give you all a little background on what’s up with this post. Starting today I, Poison Apple, am going to be writing a little romance special called ‘The Art of War’. ‘The Art of War‘ is one of the most influential books on military strategy in the world and the teachings in this book can be applied to so many things in life that it’s obscene. This brought me to the thought of applying these strategems to romance simply because of one saying- ‘All is fair in love and war’ so the logic here is ‘lets see how this turns out’. Thus here you all are to witness the beginnings of my little experiment.
The purpose- To enrich, enlighten and entertain my fellow man (and a few women) on how one would go about in persuading the opposite sex to be interested in you with this warlike approach. My aim is to also help those who are involved in relationships and make sure that they keep the upper hand in the never ending war at home.
The Hypothesis- To be blunt- lets get real here and i’ll say it, the two sexes are always at odds when it comes to relationships and how they should work out. It’s never a 50/50 deal because someone is always in the lead or has the upper hand or something to that effect. With Master Sun Tsu’s strategies revised by me I can assure you that your life will improve ten fold…if anything your SEX LIFE will improve ALOT with my strategies.
The experiment…begins now!
Chapter 1- The making of plans
Before you even dare to approach anybody for any reason that involves any kind of sexual undertone you need a fucking plan. The only time you don’t need a plan is when you’re sexy or very drunk. If you ever want to get laid, YOU WILL LISTEN TO THIS.
Master Sun says: War is a grave affair of state, it is a place of life and death, a road to survival and extinction, a matter to be pondered carefully.
Sun Tsu might have been talking about war here but think about what he’s saying carefully. You go to approach someone, you can get nervous. You ask yourself questions like ‘how is my hair? how are my clothes looking? how do I smell?’ It’s now a grave affair of MENTAL STATE. You can’t show this…even if they ALWAYS know, trust me they always know, you can’t show it. If you show fear then it lets them know that they have the upper hand from the get go and that’s not good if you wish to survive. if they don’t take you down in an instant they’ll wait to drag you back to their lair where they can finish the job. ‘It is a place of life and death‘…this is a good one as we all know that being completely rejected can leave a spirit crushed in an instant…which can result in a spiritual death of sorts. On the opposite end, being accepted can lead one to feel rejuvenated and reborn spiritually which is why this now turns into a place of LIFE AND DEATH. Survival and extinction are self explanatory given the fact that the purpose in question is to find a potential mate. Assuming that most of us reading are or will be versed in the theories of Charles Darwin , we can go on to sexual selection then you’ll all know that failure means extinction. All these wonderful factors come together to mean that you need to stop and think before you do anything. Now instead of me telling you all the ways you can spectacularly fail from the beginning I will tell you how to win. It’s quite simple really…You need to ‘Turn yo swag on’.
Yes, this song is senseless and ridiculous but unlike most of us reading this he has enough money and swag to circumvent all the things needed to impress someone else like a personality. Forget all that crap other people tell you like you need an ice breaker to go out an start a conversation and you need to be nice etc. What you need is some bling on your neck, a fly ass whip that’s so low to the ground it might as well be a street sweeper with a sound system and fancy ass clothing. look…people just wanna get laid and if you’re stackin paper to the ceiling then nobody gives a shit what kind of person you are unless they’re poorer than you. Sadly, most of us are not that rich right now…so we gotta get ghetto fabulous and get as much good bootleg shit as possible. If you’re looking for love then give up now, you wont find it, read my post about love to see why you wont ever find it…not the kind you’re looking for.
Master sun also said: There are five fundamentals for this deliberation, for the making of comparisons and the assessing of conditions. The Way, Heaven, Earth, Command, Discipline.
Yes, Master Sun was a wise man and he would not tell you a war strategy beginning with something that’s close to saying ‘you will die’. Strategies usually involve the objective of winning and Master Sun didn’t want to see you lose. Alas, the trick to romance and why I believe that war will always be more humane in poetic terms is because there is no way to win against love…there is only survival. Even if you yourself are not in love be sure that other people in love can get in your way alot more times than not. So from this point on I want you all to erase any thoughts of gaining complete control over the battlefield with a significant other and know that you can only gain the upper hand for a short time but there is no such thing as victory in this. Victory is absolute but so is defeat. Know this well and spare yourself hardship. So these five conditions are what you basically need to know when you’re going out there only once you’ve turned your swag on. Think of your swag like battle armor…yes it can seem impenetrable but no armor is absolute, no wall is never shaken etc. etc. The fact is that you should have something just in case your swag is no good.
Now, this post is getting obscenely long so I’ll have to tell you all the the rest in part II. For now keep us entertained and we’ll keep you all entertained with this random video about Chocobo!