Hey y’all, wassup! It’s Poison here to entertain you again and today we have my select choices of video game war heroes and what I think constitutes a ‘war hero’. It’s a special day at The Infection today since we’re just overflowing with new shit to share with y’all. We’re bursting at the seams with hot topics so we’re going to start y’all off light today with this post 😉
So this month we’re talking about war and in wars there are heroes. Heroes in war are usually defined by the winning side and are usually merited based on their ability to either (a) stop the enemy or (b) minimize casualties to their side. Given this definition of a ‘war hero’ one would be able to determine what the criteria is for my ranking of these videogame war heroes …well you’re wrong. I’m simply playing favorites in this ranking list based on not only how much ass they can kick but also based on how fucking cool they look while doing it. This is the Poison Apple ‘Top ten video game war heroes’ list!
Coming in at number 10 – We have Duke Nukem. You are probably face palming right now but face it, Duke Nukem was awesome. He was so cheesy, it was cool. Not only that but the name ‘Duke Nukem’ just made you think of a dude who eats nails for breakfast. He was your classic example of an overly manly man with hair on his chest etc. He also secretly knows that women will never sleep with him so he has to go into wars and such in hopes of eliminating himself from the human gene pool and doing something constructive with his life. Just in case you are a woman who would sleep with Duke Nukem…I hope your clitoris implodes.
Coming in at number 9- We have the one and only Fox McCloud and his crew! If there is something you must do in your life it’s to play Star fox 64 and do a barrel roll in an Arwing. Best thing ever. For years people have loved our anthropomorphic space fox flyboy. We also love his loyal crew…except for Flippy! Flippy sucks because he kept dying. Falco would get his own spot on this but we need space for bigger heroes. One thing though…I can’t remember the name of the other crew member who did near nothing, I can only remember Flippy and Falco. Someone please remind me who that is.
Coming in at number 8- It’s Spawn, yeah- that Spawn. Yes he was originally a comic book character but he still qualifies as a videogame war hero. The games suck, I can tell you, but the fact is that he still is facing off against both heaven and hell. You get lots of brownie points from me if you’re willing to go to war against all knowing cosmic entities.
Coming in at number 7- We have Lenneth Valkyrie of Valkyrie Profile. Those of you who know who the hell she is will be saying ‘how the hell did she end up on this list?’ It’s quite simple- she qualifies as a war hero for the fact that she did participate in a war…Some of you may be familiar with the Ragnarok of Norse mythology. Well in this game she participated in this war where YOU FACE OFF AGAINST GODS. Yeah, she went toe to toe with gods. End argument.
To clear the number 6 spot is- Our favourite English super spy James Bond. He is the embodiment of a male fantasy lifestyle. He’s got money, cars, women and an action packed lifestyle. It’s no hard guess why he’s managed to make the number six spot for this list. Alas, compared to real spies he’s got nothing on them thus why he’s only in number 6. He’s still a little bit too…girlish. Real war heroes get a bit dirty so the fact is that he still doesn’t do any justice to the war heroes by being too damn clean cut.
Coming in at number 5- We have Sam Fisher of Splinter Cell. Now what’s a war effort without some spies, espionage and terrorism? He represents the guys who we all know exist in this world and are doing all the government dirty work that nobody wants to take responsibility for. Given the fact that he’s a spy, he does the dirty work in such a way that nobody has to be responsible for shit. His no bullshit attitude is one of the many things we’ve come to love him for as well as his rather morally ambiguous nature.
Coming in at number 4- We have The Apprentice of Star Wars: The Force unleashed, also known as Star killer. Some people would say he’s a hero and others would say that he’s a villain but that’s all perspective…and it depends on which ending you chose in the game. The fact is who the hell can deny this man as being one of the best war heroes to come forward in recent gaming history. He was tough, brutal and trained by Darth Vader himself! If those aren’t good enough qualifications for a war hero then what the hell are?!
The next hero on our list at number 3 is- Altair of Assassin’s Creed. Sure we need spies in wars to extract information and whatnot but no matter what the situation there’s nothing that isn’t as handy as an assassin. When you meet someone that’s just in your way and you need them dead but can’t do it yourself, you call an assassin. Altair is the man for the job. You give him a name and he’ll kill em with the right orders. It’s a dirty job but hell, its war people- someone has to die at some point.
The runner up in our little beauty contest is none other than…Master Chief! Most of you nerds know who the hell he is and if you say that you don’t know him then I proclaim thee to be full of shit! He’s rough, he’s tough and he’s built for the kill. C’mon now, he runs into war zones with alien lasers flying over his head and machine gun bullets behind him to bust a fool in the head with a sword. He doesn’t drink or smoke and you never see his face but at the same time…he does over the top bad ass quite well. Too bad, he would make number one…if I were an X-Box fan. Alas, I’m not an X-Box fan thus why he only made number two on my list.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the biggest bad ass of them all? Why Snake of course!? Yeah he doesn’t fight aliens. Yeah he doesn’t have cool body armour. Yeah he doesn’t wield a lightsaber nor did he ever receive training from the biggest evil in the Empire but…he’s still better. He’s got the Sam Fisher gritty spy and espionage background but he’s still nearly as suave as James Bond. He’s skilled in the use of all kinds of weapons and he knows how make a little count for a lot. From taking on walking nuclear tanks to fighting one man wars in the Middle East, Snake is an all round war hero.